Category Archives: Uncategorized

Personal Encounter with Universal Consciousness

 

It was exactly a year to the day. I was lying on a boat anchored in a little cove, swaying gently on the pristine crystal clear water, reminiscing on the experience I had at the conference of constellators I co-organized a year ago. On that particular day, the welcome break from the organizer’s stress was a participation in a workshop of a constellator colleague, Melissa Roussopoulos, in which she offered an exercise to demonstrate the ability of getting in touch with different elements, aspects and expressions of nature. Each one of us would set up a mini-constellation, choosing a representative for ourselves and another person to represent a plant, an animal or some element of nature, without telling them who represents what, and then just observe. After tuning into their roles for a while, the representatives would give a report on their experiences in those roles.

As I have always been a lover of the sea, and as I was for days gazing longingly through the glass walls of the conference hall at the sea, so close by but with no time for swimming, looking forward to immersing myself once my duties are over, there was not much dilemma for me which nature element to choose for this exercise.

Even as a short exercise it was a profound experience for me, the representatives’ experience confirming beyond doubt (for those who are familiar with “representative perception” in a  constellation know what I am talking about) what I sensed all along: the beauty, the majesty and the mystery of all encompassing consciousness reaches me through the Sea. It was a deeply moving experience which told me, no more no less,  that the sea posses consciousness which delights in me taking delight in Thee!

Now, a year later, enjoying much more relaxing time, I was reminded of that experience as I jumped into the sea and dived for as long as I could hold my breath. Enjoying the immersion, I was silently communicating my love and appreciation to the sea and all life in it as I took that conscious “consciousness dive”. I was loving it with my whole being. While underwater, I made an effort to consciously express my love to the sea and all its creatures.

Within half an hour, on our way home, our boat was surrounded by dolphins, these most special sea creatures of all, who kept swimming with us for quite some time with an amazing playful display of affection, clearly enjoying the contact as much as we did. Through the unusually calm and clear waters that day, I could see them so clearly, it felt like there was no difference between the mediums we inhabited, no barriers to communication, no end to our delight in the opportunity for this connection. It was a pure delight, nothing but joy and love. The experience left me moved to tears and speechless for a long time.

Nature’s intelligence and universal consciousness are not abstract concepts for me any longer, but a lived, experienced phenomena, exploration and nurturing of which I would be happy to devote the rest of my life to. Such experiences make us feel the unity, the oneness of our world, as we also feel ourselves to be co-creative partners in the participatory universe.  It is such precious experiences which move us towards seeing us not as separate from our “environment”,  but a part of the same larger Being we belong to.

As our planet struggles, it is becoming more and more clear that unless we make this connection with the sacredness of our world, and make this experience present in our daily lives and actions – we can not thrive, probably not even survive. I am convinced: it is this personal connection each of us makes with the sacred, which saves the world, and us and everyone else as part of it.

 

Alemka

September, 2019

somewhere in the Adriatic

 

Uvjeti za konstelacijski rad

Konstelacije postaju sve popularnije i,  zaista, radi se o vrlo korisnoj i moćnoj metodi, sistemu znanja o ljudskim odnosima i pogledu na svijet koji nas sve vidi kao dio Velike Duše. Mnogi nas kontaktiraju jer su čuli ponešto od nekoga, pa žele vidjeti o čemu se tu radi. Mnogi koji dolaze iz znatiželje zapravo  nisu spremni na ozbiljnost i snagu koja je potrebna za ovaj rad.

Mnogi od konstelacija očekuju čuda, ili u najboljem slučaju emocionalnu katarzu. Često novi polaznici zapravo očekuju samo potvrdu njihovih uvjerenja o životu i odnosima i nisu spremni predati se imperativima života koji su zadani sistemskim zakonitostima koji djeluju u duši. Neki zapravo od konstelacija samo traže potvrdu da su oni u pravu (a partner u krivu) ili da su oni žrtve (najčešće roditelja ili partnera). Kada voditelj odbije igrati tu igru ( a svaki iskusan voditelj je mora odbiti) onda se osoba naljuti na voditelja.

Moć konstelacija leži upravo u tome da se voditelj ne svrstava ni na ničiju stranu, ne optužuje nikoga i suosjeća ne nužno samo sa klijentom, već jednako sa svima u klijentovom obiteljskom sistemu (pa se konstelacije ili voditelj od takvih osoba doživljavaju kao „bezosjećajni“). Nadalje, moć konstelacija leži i u oslanjanju i usklađivanju sa sistemskim zakonitostima života koji djeluju u svim našim odnosima. Budući da su ove zakonitosti po svojoj prirodi neumoljive, arhaične, instinktivne, nesvjesne i autoritativne (sa njima nema pregovaranja) , neki doživljavaju konstelacijsku metodu ili voditelje kao autoritativne i konzervativne.

Neki polaznici, sasvim ljudski, žele svoja osobna i svjetonazorska uvjerenja pretpostaviti ovim sistemskim zakonitostima. Kada bi voditelj pristao na to, onda bi konstelacije bile skoro pa beskorisne. Konstelacijski pristup nas upravo uči koliko smo mali u odnosu na veće sile koje djeluju kroz nas u našim životima, koje rukovode nama. I da u životu možemo biti uspješni, zdravi i sretni jedino ako se pokorimo ovim silama i živimo u harmoniji sa njima. Nekima se to ne sviđa i ne žele to prihvatiti, pa im se ni konstelacije ne sviđaju i ne mogu im biti od koristi. Oni koji pod svaku cijenu žele biti u pravu, oni koji se žele držati svog statusa žrtve, kao i oni koji se nisu spremni odreći svojih uvjerenja (koji uvijek dolaze iz ega), za te ljude konstelacije ne mogu biti od pomoći.

Konstelacijske grupe, nadalje, nisu zamjenska obitelj, već su tu da nas povežu u srcu sa našim obiteljima i dovedu u sklad i pomirenost sa našim obiteljskim sudbinama. Povezanost koju svi sudionici radionica osjete u trajanju radionice nije osobne prirode i ne dolazi zbog naročito bliskih odnosa između članova grupe. Sudionici grupe su često strani jedni drugima, možda se vide samo jednom u životu i druženje sa drugim sudionicima radionice nakon radionice (ako se nismo prije poznavali) zapravo je vrlo rijetko. Osjećaj povezanosti dolazi od prirode konstelacijskog rada kroz koji se svi povezujemo na jednoj dubljoj, univerzalnoj, duhovnoj razini. Na kraju radionice, obično se svi osjećamo vrlo blisko povezani kroz našu temeljnu ljudskost, dijeleći sudbinu zajednice čovječanstva. A onda svatko ode svojoj kući, u svoj život, u svoju obiteljsku sudbinu, osjećajući se tu dobro ukorijenjen i povezan, i obično zaboravi sve pojedinosti iz radova drugih, ostajući samo sa onim uvidima koji su bitni za nas. Iz tog razloga su bespredmetne i brige o privatnosti, izlaganju i povjerljivosti novopečenih sudionika. Ono što je važno za nas zapamtimo, ono što nije naš posao, što nas se ne tiče, kao pojedinosti individualne priče drugih – brzo zaboravimo.

Pri ozbiljnom konstelacijskom pristupu, koji se prakticira u našoj udruzi, vodi se puno računa o higijeni konstelacijskih grupa. Što to znači? To znači da je u konstelacijskim grupa svatko odgovoran za svoje sudjelovanje i svoj proces i SAMO za svoj proces. Zato komentiranje radova drugih, razgovor i analiza radova drugih, izražavanje mišljenja kao i dijeljenje naših osjećaja sa drugima u grupi nije dozvoljeno. Svatko može zaroniti prilično duboko u dubine svoje duše i dubine svoje obiteljske duše da bi dobio potrebne uvide samo ako se nitko, pa ni voditelj, ne miješa u taj proces. Voditeljev je zadatak da osigura ne  miješanje. Svako ispitivanje od strane drugih, znatiželja, komentari, analiziranje, tješenje, suosjećanje ometa taj proces dolaženja u dodir sa onim što se nalazi u našoj duši i pretvara konstelacije u dječju igru, teatar ili gatanje.

 

Konstelacije također nisu psihoterapija i od njih, niti od voditelja se ne može očekivati odnos kakav imamo sa terapeutom. Voditelj konstelacija nema dužnost brinuti se za osobu sa kojom radi, zapravo, zbog zajedničkog predavanja većim silama koje vode ovaj rad, ne smije se brinuti za osobu sa kojom radi, jer se tako stavlja iznad klijentove sudbine. Također, suosjećajnost koju očekujemo od terapeuta ne može se nužno očekivati od konstelatora, jer ja zadatak konstelatora da se otvori jednako prema svima koji pripadaju obiteljskom sistemu osobe koja radi i da suosjeća jednako sa svima, uključujući i roditelje zlostavljače, nasilne partnere i ubojice. Ukoliko voditelj suosjeća sa osobom koja radi, gubi sposobnost za „suosjećajnost višeg reda“ koja ne prosuđuje, ne osuđuje i koja je okrenuta prema svima jednako. Upravo ovakva suosjećajnost višeg reda, ili tzv. radikalna uključivost važan je aspekt konstelacija koji ih čini tako moćnim.

Za razliku od psihoterapije, kod konstelacija se podrazumijeva da voditelj  nije taj koji vodi proces ili dovodi do pozitivne promjene ili ozdravljenja. Voditelj samo osigurava uvjete pod kojima se osoba dovodi u harmoniju sa silama života i usklađuje sa sistemskim zakonitostima, što onda često dovodi do pozitivne promjene. Voditelj je tu samo „antena“ ,  oruđe ili kist u nečijim tuđim rukama. Zato voditelj konstelacija ima puno manju odgovornost za ishod procesa i nije pretjerano u njega investiran. Također, ne smatra se toliko važnim za klijenta, niti se smatra odgovornim za uspjeh ili neuspjeh klijentovog osobnog procesa. Iskusan voditelj razumije da on samo na kratko postaje dijelom klijentovog sistema, i da u tom sistemu zauzima posljednje mjesto. Poniznost je stoga odlika dobrog voditelja konstelacija, obično ne tako svojstvena terapeutima koji misle da zauzimanju puno važniju poziciju u životima svojih klijenata. Osobni, privatni, bliski odnos voditelja konstelacija i osobe koja radi nije poželjan i zapravo je kontra-indikativan, jer je prepreka sistemskoj neutralnosti koja je potrebna za vođenje.

Ove aspekte konstelacija nije uvijek lako razumjeti, i potrebno je nekad duže druženje sa njima da bi se shvatila bit ovog pristupa i na koji način im se treba pristupiti da bi od njih imali koristi.

 

Na žalost, u Hrvatskoj, ali i drugdje, konstelacije se nude „na kile“ od strane ljudi koji nisu prošli dugotrajnu obuku, niti se žele podvrgnuti rigoroznoj disciplini učenja i prakticiranja konstelacija. Tako konstelacije možete dobiti jeftino, besplatno kao „promatrač“, iako u konstelacijskim grupama nema promatrača već svi rade u svim radovima, možete dogovoriti „svoju“ konstelaciju unaprijed, možete sami odrediti temu konstelacije…drugim riječima, možete podčiniti konstelacijski proces svojoj volji i kontroli. I možete onda odraditi svoju konstelaciju, malo se isplakati, i osjećati se dobro, zadržavajući sve svoje zablude, slijepe točke i ego uvjerenja. Možete se povezati sa drugima iz grupe i osjećati se dobro, kao u „svojoj obitelji“, bez potrebe da pogledate u svoje obiteljske i druge sisteme kojima pripadate i u ono što je potrebno i nužno učiniti u njima ili za njih. Korisnost takvog pristupa konstelacijama je vrlo upitna i nudi lažnu sliku. Oni koji sa takvih radionica dolaze k nama, budu razočarani konstelacijskim pristupom koji  mi prakticiramo. To su oni kojima je puno platiti par stotina kuna za iskustvo koje im može promijeniti dugogodišnje negativne sklopove, ili koji ne mogu odvojiti cijeli vikend za tako nešto. To su oni koji bi samo došli, postavili svoju konstelaciju i otišli, bez osjećaja za kolektivan aspekt ovog rada gdje smo tu jedni za druge i jedni drugima pomažemo u radu na našim osobnim pitanjima. To su oni koji se žele riješiti svojih problema, ali samo ako oni mogu zadržati kontrolu nad cijelim procesom i voditeljem i ako mogu zadržati sva svoja uvjerenja. To su oni koji unaprijed žele isplanirati da li će raditi na radionici ili ne i ako da na kojem pitanju. Oni već obično onda znaju i ishod! Tu konstelacije ne mogu biti od koristi, niti pružiti nove uvide. Tako se konstelacije nikad nisu radile niti podučavale od strane Berta Hellingera, začetnika ove metode.

 

Ukoliko se prijavljujete za naše radionice, potrebno je prisustvovati cijeloj radionici. Svi plaćaju jednu cijenu, jer je radionica cjelovito iskustvo od kojeg svi imaju koristi i tijekom koje svi rade. Nikome se konstelacija ne može obećati, niti se ona može zahtijevati. Sa kime se radi, da li je pravo vrijeme, pravi stav – to se sve odlučuje na samoj radionici. Možete doći sa određenim životnim pitanjem, problemom ili situacijom, ali tema konstelacije mora se sama iskristalizirati kroz fenomenološki pristup otvaranja prema polju danog sistema. U konstelaciju se možemo upustiti samo kada su i voditelj i osoba koja radi otpustili svaku želju i namjeru za kontrolom, planiranjem, očekivanjem određenog ishoda, kada smo otpustili sva naša prethodna uvjerenja i kada smo se ponizno otvorili uvidima iz polja, koji su puno snažniji i korisniji od onih koji dolaze iz našeg racionalnog uma.

 

„Ostavite svaku nadu pred vratima“, o, vi, koji se prijavljujete na konstelacijske radionice. Samo tako možete biti iznenađeni snagom ovog pristupa i višestruko nagrađeni. Ako ih možete dobiti jeftino za vas u bilo kojem smislu i bez ovakvog stava – onda to nisu konstelacije.

 

Alemka

02/2020

Više o ovome možete naučiti kroz naš edukacijsko-iskustveni program
https://konstelacijakroacija.wordpress.com/progra…/programi/

Deep Listening to the Language of Fire

 

‘’Come with me to the point and we’ll look at the country. We’ll look across at the rocks. Look, rain is coming! It falls on my sweetheart.’’

( the indigenous song from the Oenpelli Region, Australia)

 

As the fires burn out of control across Australia, beyond the emergency response and dealing with crises, we also have to pause and reflect. Yes, they are the opposing movements: rushing to help our neighbors on the path of fires and stopping to listen to its message. It might be too difficult to do this at the same time, and yet, the time seems to be running short and soon it might be to late for either. Once the fires are over, there will be another danger looming: as we count the looses and the cost, and attend to recovery, we again might forget how to listen to the deeper message, we might again, in our to rush to repair the old ways, try to continue as before.

And I am not the only one who believes that in this fire the message is delivered, loud and clear, that this is not possible any longer. We did not want to hear it in the species disappearing one by one, in our rivers stopping to run, in the cries of our indigenous brothers. What other means were left to our mother Earth than to warn us with the thundering roar of fire?

It is time for emergency responses AND it is also time for employing Dadirri – a special quality, a unique gift of the Aboriginal people, inner, deep listening and quiet, still awareness. After all we are talking about a country with this long-lasting indigenous tradition of  deep listening to one another with the heart, to what our soul is saying, to the soul of the land and to the whisper of Anima Mundi, the soul of the world. We are talking about the continent which was inhabited for tens of thousands of years by people who were in tune with the needs of the land and who understood the importance of balancing their needs with those of the land, who knew how to appease the spirits of the land, so that it continues to support them. We are talking about a very sophisticated culture of understanding the spiritual and cosmic dimension of life, as well as practical “land management” measures which assured the cyclical nature of life and land is honored and observed.

Most of all, the indigenous people of Australia knew about the natural systemic, cosmic laws which all life is subject to, and “all life” included not only what we in our narrow materialistic sense consider to be alive, but also the rocks, the oceans, the clouds and the stars. Indigenous Australians understood the land was animated, en-livened by spirit, and for them it was every bit as much alive as that kangaroo hoping or their own child being born. It was all of one Great Spirit, or of one Rainbow Snake.

The decisions concerning life and the land were not made from some centralized position of power, through a democratic process of investing all power to this or that person of this or that belief system, but through a very experiential, practical approach of walking the land up and down over wast distances and listening deeply to what it is saying and what it needs.

This information from the ground was then conveyed through an elaborate system of story telling, the Songlines, which was passed on from generation to generation and from one tribal region to the other. The decisions on the action needed were made according to that assessment “on the ground” and were clear. The only law needed to be listened to was the law of the land, the law of nature and of big cosmic cycles. Their Parliament was made of stars, rocks, running wallabies and trees, the only law they needed to obey the law of nature and the law of spirit, embodied in the all-encompassing, intricate system of rules which regulates all social, emotional, ethical and spiritual aspects of human life – Tjukurpa.

For Aboriginal people, religious beliefs are derived from a sense of belonging to the land, to the sea, to other people, to one’s culture. Being human is defined by where we have come from, who we are, and where we are going in relation to country and kin. For these people who have lived and loved here since the creation times, the land is more than a physical place; it is a moral sphere, the seat of life and emotions and place of the heart.

 This is encapsulated by the ‘Dreaming’ – a complex network of knowledge, faith and practices derived from stories of creation, which dominates all spiritual and physical aspects of Aboriginal life.  A central concept of Aboriginal life is the notion of the spiritual continuity of present and future with the ancestral past. As part of the ritual ceremonies, humans are reminded of their responsibilities, of the need to care for the country and kin.

A relationship of deep reverence and love towards the land is more precious than our human relationships, the land being the “sweetheart”, as expressed in that song from the Oenpelli Region.


How did we, the “whitefellas”, ever think that we can come from the outside, take over the continent, assert our ways as “civilized” and consider our way of life and land management as superior to those who had been an intrinsic part of that eco-system for thousands of years and learnt how to breathe with it in a harmonious rhythm? How did we ever think that we can get away with it, not just with decimating aboriginal population, but plundering the land’s resources with no regard for anything else but personal profit? Is it so surprising that the arrogance of our white, colonised mind is coming to haunt us? A bit over two hundred years has been long enough for the consequences to show in full blast.

So, this is not only about the natural climate change cycles, it is even not only about the changes of climate brought by our human activities. If we see it like this we will miss the opportunity to see what the real cause of this disaster is and to make the changes necessary.

The crucial question is not how to save the environment, but how to start experiencing ourselves as just another aspect of that “environment”.  This is not going to be possible unless we see, truly SEE, the oneness of creation working through us and everything else at the same time. Our world can not be saved if we do not perceive it, and us, as a part of the same whole, embedded in the Greater Soul. Unless we make this connection with the sacredness of our world, and make this experience present in our daily lives and actions – we can not thrive, probably not even survive.

There is little chance for humanity on the whole if we can not make this shift in Australia, the land of ancient knowledge and wisdom still accessible, still so close to us, if we choose to see and to listen. The indigenous knowledge has been greatly damaged, but not extinguished, that fire is still burning, still preserved and alive, willing to be shared, safely and for the safety of all. But are we willing to listen and to learn?

Last (largely sleepless) night I was taken back to the experience I had some 25 years ago as I traveled the outback, trying to understand the language of the land and the Australian indigenous people. Some messages were clear, most unintelligible to me, a child of a different land. As I made acquaintances with some indigenous cattle station workers in the remote outback, I felt I could relate easily to these “blackfellas”, even across the vastness of our cultural divide. And even in their disempowered position of disconnection from their tribal traditions and their culture, eyes blurry from too much booze, puzzling to me then – there was strength and dignity in their presence. And in their names, too. For many, their name was probably the only connection left to the world and family/tribal belief structure which attributed them with those. I still remember the mixture of sadness and pride in this hauntingly thin, warn out man, conveying his name to me as if a secret, or a precious ornament. He said his name was Fire. Simply Fire, meaning fire.

What if these current fires are simply telling us: “Look at me. I am here. I belong too. You have excluded my powers for way too long. I include myself now in this way. I am but one expression of natural force which you chose to ignore. And I am stronger than you. I can easily bring you to your knees.”

Those of us who work systemically know the importance of the systemic balance, the dangers of exclusion and the need of being in harmony with spiritual forces higher than us. It is quite simple really: these systemic laws apply to all systems, from family to nation to planet to cosmos.

 

We need to restore our relationship to the sacred, as David Tacey ascertains, now more than ever. “In Australia, landscape carries our experience of the sacred other. For two hundred years the majority of Australians have shielded themselves against the land, huddling together in European cities, pretending we are not in  or part of Australia….No matter how we attempt to package or construct it, the land will always break out of whatever fancy dress we foist upon it. …The only way to develop a spiritually powerful culture in Australia is to enter more into the psychic field of nature; to “shamanise” ourselves in the image of nature.” (Tacey) Where else than in Australia are we in a better position to do that, to, as another true blue Aussie Les Murray puts it, “keep those gills for dream-life we have in our head wet”? But not if we, Australians and others, try to continue with “business as usual”.

 

Practical measures are important, but pale in significance to the intelligence of the cosmos, which prevails and guides it all. While doing whatever I personally can, I also surrender to its greater wisdom, with full trust that whatever happens will be how this force wills it. Part of a solution to our present day crises is also in such surrender, acknowledging with respect and humility, that not everything is in our hands. By doing so, we also evoke the sacredness of our world, which is the only life force which can take us safely into the future.

 

Alemka Dauskardt

4.1.2020.

 

 

 

Love & War: Anger of Women

Love & War: Anger of women towards men

We constellated one woman’s anger towards a man. It became clear that this kind of rage can not find its resolution between two individuals. The rage was too big, too impersonal, too old. We brought more men and more women into the constellation. A man, in a friendly manner tried to approach a woman who represented rage, but her fists were clenched and she said she could easily kill him right there and then. When we put a man behind him, like his father or male ancestor, the man simply collapsed like a child into his embrace, lacking strength. The rage then just collapsed to the floor. Other women gathered around it in a caring way. The male ancestor seemed to be strong, but turned his head away from the women and rage, looking into the distance. My image was that he wanted to go to war, so I placed a rep for the war at some distance. The rep looked strong and powerful. The male ancestor wanted to take his male descendant in that direction, away from the women, who he found boring and was not interested in. One woman from the group tried to stop him, to hold him, also to seduce him into staying, but to no avail. The male ancestor stood like a soldier and wanted to leave and take his male descendant to that direction. Another women joined the first woman to try and help with holding the man, and then another and another….they formed a chain, trying to hold onto him, to stop him. As they were doing that, the rep for the war was becoming visibly weaker.

The young man said to the older: “I can be a man in a different way. I can stay at home with the women, protecting them and the children”. The male ancestor then left the embrace of his male descendant and this group and the constellation circle, somewhat disappointed, went to the adjacent room. Another man followed and there they stood side by side and said, yes, there are many more here. I had the image of the army of millions marching to war, to their death. The younger man was embraced by women, a rep for the rage spontaneously withdrew, and all the women with this man, slowly formed a tight circle of connection and loving cooperation of equals. The seeker herself joined in, her very core moved deeply as she stood in a circle next to this man. As this was happening the representative for War collapsed to the floor face down, totally drained of strength and energy.

The image of this man in a circle intertwined with women had amazing beautiful energy of healing and unity, everyone present deeply affected. Me, the facilitator, included. As I was sitting in the outer circle, looking at this inner circle, I was looking at the back of the man and noticed that a male representative had a head shaven in a tomahawk hair style, reminiscent of native Indians. The “Warrior of Peace”, came to mind.

…..

Wars damage men and male lines. Wars damage a connection between men and women. Wars weaken men and reduce their healthy, masculine power. From that position they hurt women and can not connect with them in a good way. Women are alone, disappointed, angry. They push men away. Men feel they need to become heroes to regain their masculine power. But more war brings more weakness. The war weakens women and men and their connection, and also feeds the war of the sexes. In turn, their weakened connection feeds war.

Women have the power to stop the war, if they can overcome their rage and reach out to a man, and hold him, keep him at home, serving the feminine principle, serving life. Men have the power to stop the war, if they stop wanting to be heroes and employ they masculinity to building a home and supporting and protecting their family.

Yes, a woman follows a man, but only when he serves life, when he puts his masculine principle in the service of the feminine principle. Then they can both be in service of life, serving together, each from their unique position. This also might be a foundation and a precondition for world’s peace.

Alemka Dauskardt

love-war-syrian-artist-tammam-azzam-and-his-personal-gustav-klimts-the-kiss-on-war-torn-building-in-syria-www.loves_.domusweb.it_.jpg

image: Syrian artist Tammam Azzam

“Australians”

Australians

 

Having renounced the countries of our ancestors,

like children without mothers,

we wander aimlessly between your beautiful shores.

The beauty that was never ours to take.

 

The riches, the bounty, only painful reminders,

the spiritual loneliness of inner landscape.

Yearning for some other place.

Pretending not to see the black face of this Mother.

 

How to fill this hole where the soul once was?

Obese and happy-go-lucky larrikins,

how do you find your way across this continent whose ancient walking tracks long forgotten you never bothered to learn about?

The Songlines was never your lullaby song.

 

The black crow cries as we tramp on this sacred ground,

not knowing that this is not a country,

but the Soul-Home-Spirit-Land.

The oneness of Tjukurpa forever lost on us.

 

It is too big to be spanned by endless suburbs, takeaways, and car tire shops.

Still, we press on.

Waltzing all the true blue way: “I still call Australia home”.

Big bananas, cows, pineapples and prawns.

Please, please stay behind me as I hit the open road.

 

Into the desert, maybe I find my salvation there.

Feeling unconscious yearning for what the blackfulla has.

How do I find in myself what I killed in him?

Where do I look? Where do I find my lost soul?

 

Cry, you crow, cry …. as I fall from Wholeness

into this lazy affluent “Australian way of life”,

into comfortable, sugar coated Nothingness.

Where is this road I built taking me?

So, I take my leave from you,

I depart from your flashy built up shores.

With some relief,

realizing and admitting: it is elsewhere I belong.

 

But I don’t leave you, the ancient land, you powerful teacher.

The spirit-full landscape etched lovingly into my heart forever.

Grateful for the learning:

a gentle reminder oozing from your beauty

and a thunder from your awesome skies,

teaching me the true meaning of Home.

 

Alemka

 

 

 

photos by Alemka

Konstelacijske teme / Constellating Themes

ENGLISH below

Šta radimo na modulima? Koje teme se obrađuju? Kako se uče konstelacije? Koja pitanja, osobna i profesionalna, možemo postaviti? Sa čime se sve konstelacije mogu nositi? Šta sve možemo “popraviti” konstelacijama? Ovo su česta pitanja onih koji se tek susreću sa konstelacijskim pristupom. Teme variraju ovisno o tome što sudionici donose na radionicu, ali često su to univerzalne teme koje nas svih duboko dotiču. Kao primjer, dole je navedena lista tema na kojima smo radili u okviru jednog nedavnog modula.

 

  • Pokret posezanja za majkom. Iscjeljivanje ženske linije prekinute kroz traumu smrti ženskog pretka, žene koja je umrla rađajući svoje 18-to dijete. Zauzimanje našeg mjesta u zajednici žena, uz prihvaćanje “ženske sudbine” bez straha.
  • Dolaženje do iskustvenog uvida da ne moramo ponovno proživljavati patnju naših majki i da ne moramo trpjeti isto što i ona (šutjeti i trpjeti i biti žrtva nije vrlina!)
  • Iskazivanje poštovanja našim očevima i muškim precima koji su prenijeli život kroz nezamislivu oskudicu, ne tako što ćemo žrtvovati svoje blagostanje i sreću, već tako što ćemo živjeti puni, bogati i zdravi život.
  • Osnaživanje muške linije
  • Ostavljanje tereta naših roditelja i predaka njima
  • Obiteljske tajne (vezane za očinstvo)
  • Nošenje sa zlostavljanjem; mogu li zlostavljaču dati mjesto u svom srcu?
  • Završavanje nečeg za one mrtve iz našeg obiteljskog sistema koji nisu u miru i koji nas “vuku za noge”.
  • Suočavanje sa posljedicama pobačaja.
  • Pronalaženje našeg iščezlog brata blizanca koji nas konačno upotpunjuje.
  • Pokret kolektivnog pomirenja: Islam i Kršćanstvo , nošenje sa posljedicama vladavine Turskog carstva

 

ENGLISH

Those who are only starting to encounter systemic constellation approach often wonder what kind of questions and life difficulties constellations can help with. As an example, below is a list of themes we worked on during one of recent weekend modules.

  • Reaching out movement to the mother. Healing of the female line broken by trauma caused by a female ancestor dying giving birth to her 18th child, taking our place among women & agreeing to sharing in “female destiny” without fear
  • Learning that we do not need to re-live our mother’s suffering and put up with what she had to (being a martyr is not a virtue!)
  • Honoring our fathers and male ancestors who passed life on through incredible hardship, honouring not through sacrifice, but through full, prosperous, healthy living
  • Strengthening the male line
  • Leaving the burdens of our parents / ancestors with them
  • Family secrets (related to parenthood)
  • Dealing with abuse: Can I give a perpetrator a place in my heart?
  • Completing something for the dead who are not in peace and who are “pulling our legs”
  • Facing the consequences of abortion
  • Finding the vanished twin brother who finally completes us
  • Collective reconciliation: Islam & Christianity (dealing with the consequences of the Ottoman Empire rule in my country/culture)

 

ME(n) TOO

The un-screamed scream of men

 

There was something in recent social campaigns aimed at highlighting abuse perpetrated by men that I felt uncomfortable about. It wasn’t till recent constellation I facilitated in Turkey that I could understand my discomfort better, and also explore how different levels of acting in the world correlate or interfere with a systemic approach.

Surely, those who abuse have to be hold responsible and, if possible, be appropriately sanctioned. Surely, gender based abuse has been going mostly one way, in a direction from men to women. Sure, women on the whole have suffered greatly through centuries of patriarchy.

It is clear that social, political and legal action is appropriately called for, no doubt about that. But, there is more to it than that, these areas only highlighting some aspects of the complexity inherent to our male – female human predicament and the related issues. Having been a systemic constellation facilitator for many years, I am primarily interested in the systemic aspect of issues concerning a relationship of one half of humanity towards its other half. And there is no doubt that the relationship between these two editions of human beings has been badly damaged and is in trouble. We can all witness that. Women have been oppressed and treated like a “lesser value half” for centuries, only in the last hundred years or so gaining more ground in terms of their human rights and equality. But this battle is far from over, as we are reminded daily by more examples of oppression and unequal treatment. And it does seem appropriate to call this process a battle, as so often our male-female relations are remindful of the two sides in the waring conflict. It is as if we have less and less understanding of each other, less compassion for the other’s position and no solutions which would have us “battling” these issues side by side, together, rather than each other.

Adopting a systemic perspective provides an opportunity for both men and women to do exactly this: stand side by side and open ourselves wide to the insights that come to us about systemic forces which created such a stand-offish position between us at the first place. It also means non-blame, no judgement, it doesn’t necessarily call for punishment or demand a retribution. It does not need to be concerned with legal sanctioning. This position is devoid of anger and moral righteousness. It doesn’t fight against or for anything. It only observes, with equal compassion for all included.

Only systemic perspective offers systemic solutions, which, as constellators know all too well, is always a solution equally good for everyone in the system. Every other perspective, like social action, legal sanctioning, political campaigns and other, has got a place and a role to play, and yet, if we go with them, we often loose the neutrality of the perspective needed to find the solution on a systemic level. From a systemic view point, as soon as we feel too much compassion for the victim, we side against the perpetrator. As soon as we see the two positions of a victim and a perpetrator as fixed and attribute them to a particular gender, we have lost the ability for a systemic approach. As soon as we even label something as “abuse”, we have already made a judgement which closes the door to systemic insight.

And, yes, we can assume, these different aspects can be addressed parallel on different levels, and theoretically it is possible for a systemic facilitator to also be an avid social justice campaigner or take political action. I would argue, though, that such position is extremely difficult and that in order to develop our “systemic sensitivity” we need to practice this attitude of non-judgement and radical inclusion daily, and in all aspects of our life, not just when we facilitate a constellation.

Gender relations are one of these areas where our systemic viewpoint can be valuable, and possibly more effective in bringing deep, lasting change than social campaigning. But it is certainly more difficult to hold this position of systemic restraint which does not “play the first ball”, specially when we are all effected, we all are either a man or a woman, and when taking sides happens by default. The extent to which we are able to practice this systemic restraint though, may be directly correlated to the possibility of new solutions opening up for us all.

These are complex issues and much is at stake. Clearly, the future of humanity depends on us successfully negotiating its “dualistic gender nature”. And it seems we are not doing too well at present. What the real systemic causes are behind this, it is difficult to grasp, but we understand it mostly as a legacy of a long period of patriarchy.

The Turkish experience

Probably nowhere more than in Turkey we see the consequences of patriarchy better. As a descendant and the systemic inheritor of Ottoman Empire, Turkey is the country borne out of it, patriarchy being its basic social building block. For centuries women have had no value, rights or equality, certainly not in ways we understand these today. Men were the masters of their lives, and their bodies. Many a constellation in Turkey takes us to the painful experience of their female ancestors, their despair and suffering made palpable through representatives, almost unbearable to hold. In one poignant constellation, which depicted the times gone-by, one woman’s question about overweight took us to her distant female ancestor, whose destiny this woman knew of. She was captured in the far corner of the Empire, taken away from her parents, country and kin at a young age and was kept as a slave, a possible gift to a Sultan. The only defense she had, and the only means of control over her body, and possibly over her predicament, was to overeat and thus make herself less attractive and less desirable.

It seems that many women in present day Turkey are not only angry with men in general, but have also given up on them, having no faith or hope that the hurt caused can be compensated for or healed. Some don’t have partners and if they do, they (women) seem to have an upper hand.  They often are hiding and protecting their feminine nature, with the sense of not being able to afford being vulnerable, to trust and to rely on men.

There are also women with a strong masculine energy, maybe compensating for absent or emasculated men.  Many men have, during the days of the Ottoman Empire, suffered this fate, being emasculated in a literal sense, having  been castrated so as not to be able to “saw their seed” and interfere with inheritance lines while performing their, usually servant functions. Regardless of our possible stereotyped images of Turkish men, it seems that their masculinity has been weakened too. Constellation after a constellation shows absent fathers, emotionally non-present partners, men who died early, took part in conquests all over the world, who killed and were in danger of being killed, constantly, through centuries. In other words, we see men weakened by traumas of violence. We see this in constellations mainly set up by women, and it is about their fathers and other male ancestors. Not many men partake in workshops and are cautious about setting up their questions. One man’s work was mostly about just crying bitterly on a seeker’s chair for a considerable amount of time. For another one it took six workshops to decide to set up his own work. It is this man’s constellation that impacted me, and others present, greatly.

He mentioned at the beginning that he had not had any older male models in his family. One of his grandfathers died when his father was only three years old. The other one suffered a terrible trauma serving as a soldier, being inside a tank as it exploded. As we set up this second grandfather, many participants in a group could feel sick to the stomach with sheer horror of his experience, the pain and suffering literally spilling out of a constellation. We all witnessed the representative for the grandfather going through agony, but not really being able to express his pain. It was as if he had to contain it all within himself.

This portrayed a somewhat universal picture, almost like an archetype of a contemporary man, of how men are supposed to be. Outwardly, this man’s suffering was manifested as “strictness”, that is how he was in his life, as described by his grandson, who also added that he never liked this grandfather, and kept away from him. Before the constellation this grandfather  was described without much compassion, as a cold and strict man. His representative reported on his inward experience, as he was channelling the glimpses of the grandfather’s trauma: “There is a huge scream in me wanting to come out”.  But nothing came, he remained silent, containing all the agony within, motioning helplessly.  This image made me wonder, how many men go through life like this, each closed in within their own tank, unable to let the scream out!?

It was interesting that many women in the holding circle though, have felt and expressed, seemingly, what he could not. Also, during and after a constellation many participants wept with compassion for this man and his fate. Everyone was touched as it was obvious how this man, and how many men have suffered through endless wars, army service, far away from their homes, their lives endangered, often forced to kill as not to be killed. Observing and feeling the group, I had only one thought in my head: “the suffering of Turkish women through centuries can only be matched by the suffering of Turkish men”.

And I understood that this is how it has been, and partly still is,  all over the world and all over again. Men are the victims of patriarchy too. Many of them could also say “me too”. But even such outing, which could provide a bit a of relief, is not available to them. Because they are, on the whole, seen as the perpetrators of patriarchy, the ones to blame and hold responsible. And, it is true, their kind has caused suffering too, so now, in addition to their pain, they have to carry that responsibility as well. This often means desperately trying to hold onto their masculinity, or the stereotyped view of what it means to be a man and act “manly”, which often includes introjects like “be strong, don’t cry, don’t show vulnerability”. And it is still expected of them to go out there, earn the living in increasingly competitive environment, support their children if not their wives as well, and to be a protector, and also “sensitive” to our, women’s needs. And how on Earth can they do that without our support, our compassion, not just for them and their position in the world, but for all of us caught in this deadly tango we can only dance together?!

Me too, I suffer this predicament us women and men found ourselves in. And I understand that you too, dear man, suffer, suffer deeply and without the right to victimhood, without the outlets for sharing pain available to us women, suffer in silence. I too understand now how deeply you have been hurt, carrying the pain of violence and wars in your body/soul without the permission to cry, and how tough you had to make yourself to contain that scream inside. I understand a bit  better now as I systemically open myself to everything and everyone, across gender lines, and without preconceived judgement, thus enabling my soul to hear not only the cries of women, but also the un-screamed scream of men.

I do believe that as more of us, men and women, are able to hold this position of a systemic observer, just allowing everything that has happened to find its place and its expression, without need for judgement, action, punishment, compensation or atonement, the new systemic insights will emerge, creating a path for us, men and women, to walk onto, towards our shared future,  in more harmonious ways. Systemic constellators among them surely can help to pave that way.

 

Alemka Dauskardt

first published in “The Knowing Field” International Constellations Journal, issue 32, June 2018

 

Razgovor o konstelacijama

Razgovor o sistemskim konstelacijama

sa Alemkom Dauskardt

za program „Pola sata gosta“ hrvatskog radija

 

U ovom razgovoru možete naći odgovore na sljedeća PITANJA:

  • Što su obiteljske ili sistemske konstelacije?
  • Koja su to saznanja o našim odnosima koja dobivamo kroz sistemske konstelacije?
  • Da li nam možete dati neki konkretan primjer?
  • Da li nam možete reći što to znači da je netko isključen i možda dati još neke primjere?
  • Koji su znaci ili kako se ova isključenja mogu manifestirati u našim životima?
  • Što nas sistemske konstelacije mogu naučiti o bolesti?
  • Što se zapravo dešava u konstelacijskom radu? Kako ljudi poprime osjećaje nepoznatih osoba koje predstavljaju?
  • Koja se pitanja / problemi mogu razrješavati kroz ovu metodu?
  • Kojim postupcima ili procedurama u konstelacijskom pristupu je moguće rješiti neke od ovih teškoća?
  • Možete li nam dati neki primjer sistemske upletenosti koja nije dobra za nas?

 

  • Što su obiteljske ili sistemske konstelacije?

Obiteljske konstelacije su, između ostalog, metoda psihoterapije koju je u ovom sadašnjem obliku koji se danas koristi diljem svijeta osmislio Bert Hellinger, njemački teolog, filozof, pedagog i psihoterapeut. Međutim, konstelacije nisu samo psihoterapeutska metoda, jer ova se metoda koristi i u drugim profesijama, kao na primjer u pedagogiji i u poslovnom konzaltingu. I umjesto obiteljskih bolje ih je zvati sistemskim jer ih primjenjujemo u radu sa različitim sistemima, a i zato jer smo u njima rukovođeni i saznanjima iz teorije sistema. Obitelj je samo jedan od sistema na koji je moguće primjeniti ovu metodu, ali i najčešći jer upravo u obitelji dolazi do zapetljaja i zaglavljenosti koje mogu imati najbolnije posljedice za naš život.

Možda bi onda bilo bolje reći da su konstelacije metoda pronalaženja rješenja za teškoće koje nas ponekad muče u životu, bilo da se radi o psihološkim ili fizičkim poremećajima, problemima u odnosima: intimnim, obiteljskim ili poslovnim, bilo da se radi o kriznim stanjima duha, odnosno poremećajima koje bi možda mogli staviti pod zajednički naziv – bolesti duše.

A onda, potrebno je naglasiti, sistemske konstelacije nisu niti samo metoda. Naime, kroz konstelacijsku metodu došli smo do određenih saznanja i uvida na polju ljudskih odnosa koje danas čine jednu doktrinu o funkcioniranju ljudskih sistema, od tjelesnog preko obiteljskog do nacionalnog nivoa.

Znači, sistemske konstelacije su također jedan sistem znanja o tome što doprinosi zdravlju, a što pojavi bolesti, što treba činiti da bi naši odnosi funkcionirali dobro, a što ne smijemo činiti ako želimo dobre odnose, kao i kako postići zdravu ravnotežu u našem životu tako da možemo disati punim plućima, živjeti ispunjeno i imati skladne odnose – sa samim sobom, sa svojim najbližima i u poslovnom okruženju.

 

  • Koja su to saznanja o našim odnosima koja dobivamo kroz sistemske konstelacije?

Ova saznanja o funkcioniranju ljudskih odnosa uključuju npr uvide o tome:

  • Kako najbolje funkcioniraju odnosi između muškaraca i žena
  • Kakav mora biti odnos roditelja i djece da bi se djeca osjećala sigurnim i bila spremna prihvatiti život
  • Što je prikladno , a što ne u odnosima roditelji – djeca
  • Štetnost zamjene uloga roditelja i djece i kako je izbjeći
  • Da mnogi uzroci depresije i ograničene životen energije dolaze uslijed odbacivanja života takav kakav nam je dan i kakav nam je došao kroz naše roditelje
  • Da ukoliko roditelji nose teret djeca im pokušavaju pomoći tako što njihov teret žele preuzeti na svoje leđa, često kroz bolest i životni neuspjeh
  • Kao i da mnogi problemi koje imamo danas imaju svoj uzrok u događajima iz prethodnih generacija koji nisu razrješeni na dobar način.

Većina ovih dinamika odvija se na nesvjesnom nivou i kada se osvrnemo na svoje živote često nećemo moći razumjeti zašto se naši životi odvijaju po određenim obrascima, čak i kada to ne želimo. Konstelacije nam mogu pomoći da nađemo odgovore na vrlo konkretna osobna pitanja kao što su:

  • Zašto sam odabrala ovu profesiju
  • Zašto sam odabrala nasilnika za muža
  • Zašto se osjećam kao da nigdje ne pripadam
  • Zašto ne mogu naći svoje mjesto u svijetu
  • Zašto stalno imam doživljaj odbačenosti
  • Zašto postoji distanca i konflikt između mene i moje djece i sl.

Na mnoga od ovakvih i sličnih pitanja postoji odgovor, odnosno postoji razlog za većinu životnih situacija u kojoj smo se našli.

 

U velikom broju slučajeva metoda sistemskih konstelacija nam omogućava da otkrijemo uzročno-posljedičnu vezu između trenutne životne situacije, odnosno neke poteškoće, životnog problema i određenog događaja, situacije ili doživljaja iz naše obiteljske prošlosti. Također, otkriva nam zakonitosti koje vladaju nama i našim odnosima, koje su uglavnom skrivene i podsvjesne i o čijem se postojanju vrlo malo zna.

To ne znači da su ove sile nova, moderna pojava, naprotiv, za njihovo postojanje i važnost znale su mnoge drevne pa i plemenske kulture. Nerazumijevanje ovih sila i nepoznavanje mehanizama kojim one djeluju na nas, također, ne znači da nismo pod njihovim uticajem. Posljedice njihovog djelovanja vidimo svakodnevno u svojim životima, a kroz konstelacije vidimo i način njihovog djelovanja.

Ove sile bi mogli usporediti sa silom gravitacije. Koliko znamo, gravitacija je oduvijek bila dio pojavne stvarnosti na ovoj našoj planeti, ljudima su jabuke odavno padale na glavu ako su sjedili ispod stabla. Newton nije izumio gravitaciju, samo nam je pomogao da je razumijemo našom glavom, odnosno našim razumom, a ne samo čvrgom na našoj glavi.

Upravo tako nam ove sile koje djeluju u našim životima i čija je svrha uređenje naših odnosa u obitelji i zajednici, lupaju životne čvrge na različite načine: čine nas nesretnim, bolesnim, razvode naše brakove, odnose djecu u ovisnost, čine nedostupnim ono što najviše želimo – sve dok ne spoznamo njihove zakonitosti i mehanizme njihovog djelovanja.

 

  • Da li nam možete dati neki konkretan primjer?

Upravo sam pročitala članak o čovjeku koji je godinama bio na terapiji zbog općeg životnog nezadovoljstva i depresije, kao i zbog svoje fasciniranosti mrtvima. Svom terapeutu često je govorio kako osjeća neku neobjašnjivu čežnju i usamljenost, kao i da je oduvijek želio imati brata.

Još uvijek u terapiji, kada mu je bilo 44 godine umrla mu je majka, a otac mu je tog istog dana otkrio tajnu koju su čuvali od njega sve ove godine. Prije nego što je on rođen njegovi roditelji imali su još jedno dijete, njegovog brata koji je umro samo par mjeseci prije nego što je on rođen. Roditelji su se zarekli da mu neće ništa reći o tome kako bi ga poštedjeli, sve dok jedno od njih ne umre.

I tako je on 44 godine proveo u nesvjesnom traženju onog što je osjetio da nedostaje – svog starijeg brata. Ono što je prouzrokovalo depresiju nije bio gubitak starijeg brata, već isključenje tog brata iz njegove i također iz obiteljske svijesti.

U konstelacijskom radu se svakodnevno susrećemo sa sličnim primjerima i kroz konstelacijsku metodu došli smo do spoznaje da upravo ono što je isključeno ima najveću moć nad nama i upravlja našim životima. A skoro svaka obitelj ima nešto što je isključeno. Isključena može biti osoba ili određeni događaj iz obiteljske prošlosti.

Svi mi imamo skrivene duhove u našem obiteljskom ormaru. Ono što nas proganja i plaši nisu mrtvi, oni koji su otišli, već praznina, zbunjenost i nesigurnost koju stvaraju tajne naših obitelji.

Život nam svašta donese. Nikad ne znamo šta će nas zadesiti, kakva nesreća,  gubitak najmilijih, hendikepirano dijete, rat, neimaština, prirodne katastrofe – iznenadnim udarcima sudbine svi smo izloženi i od toga se ne možemo zaštiti. Koliko god se može biti teško nekad nositi sa tim nedaćama, sve je moguće dobro preživjeti. Naime ukoliko se gubitak ožali, i najveća tuga se jednom završi. Ono što nam onemogućava da krenemo dalje i ono što može učiniti da se negativni sklopovi prenose na druge članove obitelji kroz generacije su upravo neprocesuirani gubitci, neintegrirana bol, kao i tajna koja obavija određeni bolni događaj.

 

  • Da li nam možete reći što to znači da je netko isključen i možda dati još neke primjere?

Primjeri isključenja su često, kao u našem primjeru djeca koja umru rano, a koja se ne spominju, zatim prekidi trudnoće, ponekad prijašnje veze naših roditelja koje se taje, situacije kroz koje je naša obitelj nepravedno profitirala, te sudbinske povezanosti koje nastaju kroz situacije smrtne opasnosti, kao što su ratovi i nesreće.

Do isključenja dolazi najčešće zbog velike boli koja je povezana sa gubitkom, kao i zbog naše želje da zaštitimo druge članove obitelji, prije svega djecu od bolnih gubitaka ili da sakrijemo nepravdu ili zbog srama, nekad ljutnje.

Na primjer, kao već spomenuto, roditelji često kriju od svoje djece smrt djeteta koje je bilo rođeno prije njih. To je naravno njihov pokušaj da zaštite dijete, kao i same sebe od boli povezane sa tim gubitkom. Zatim, također roditelji kriju od djece svoju djecu iz vanbračne ili prijebračne veze. Ili djecu koja su data na usvojenje. Roditelji ovo naravno čine u najboljoj namjeri, često vođeni uvjerenjem da ono što ne znamo nas ne može povrijediti. Međutim upravo je suprotno. Povrjeđuje nas i šteti nam upravo ono što je od nas skriveno.

Kroz konstelacijsku metodu smo došli do uvida da kroz nas djeluje određena obiteljska savjest koja se brine o očuvanju cjelovitosti, odnosno o pravu pripadanja. Ova obiteljska savjest brine o tome da svi imaju svoje mjesto i izgleda ne trpi isključivanje kroz tajne, zaborav ili počinjenu nepravdu. Ova sila koja djeluje u našim obiteljima želi da svi imaju svoje mjesto i ne miruje sve dok to nije tako.

Što to znači? To znači da ukoliko postoji neka vrsta isključenja u našem obiteljskom sistemu, ova će nas sila primorati da se prisjetimo, da tajna izađe na vidjelo, ili da se stari računi poravnaju. Kako? Na taj način da će nam stvarati probleme u životu sve dok svemu što se desilo i svatkom tko pripada ne damo pravo mjesto ili ne odamo dužno poštovanje ili dok se tajna ne otkrije, ili dok se ne prisjetimo svega onog što je potisnuto, znači dok ponovo ne uključimo ono što je bilo isključeno.

 

  • Koji su znaci ili kako se ova isključenja mogu manifestirati u našim životima?

Većina životnih problema i teškoća koje doživljavamo u našim odnosima i na poslovnom planu, kao i većina psihičkih i fizičkih bolesti, poremećaji prehrane, ovisnosti, depresija, pomanjkanje životne energije, opće životno nezadovoljstvo, neuspjeh, sklonosti nezgodama, riskantna ponašanja – sve ovo može biti odraz, i  najčešće je odraz, sistemske neravnoteže u obiteljskom sistemu koja je prouzrokovana ovim isključenjima, odnosno odsječenošću od nečega što nam pripada, bio to događaj iz naše obiteljske prošlosti, ili osoba kojoj smo nešto uskratili: pripadnost, zahvalnost, ispriku, kompenzaciju za nešto, mjesto u našem srcu često.

Ovo nam ponekad može zvučati čudno , da postoji neka sila, neki entitet koji o svemu ovome vodi računa, koji zna tko nedostaje ili tko je uskraćen i koji nas onda može primorati da zastanemo, da se osvrnemo, da prihvatimo, da uključimo. Mi nismo naučili razmišljati na taj način. Mislimo ako smo nešto loše napravili ili utajili ili nekome nešto uskratili da se možemo izvući samo ako nitko za to ne dozna. Ili da ćemo od bolnog gubitka prije braka poštedjeti našu djecu ako im ništa o tome ne kažemo. Cijena za to je životni neuspjeh i bolest.

I općenito mislimo da smo mi puno veći gospodari vlastitih sudbina nego što je to zapravo slučaj. U nama i u našim odnosima vladaju određene zakonitosti o kojima mi u načelu vrlo malo znamo. Kroz konstelacijsku metodu otkrivamo sve više o tim zakonitostima i kako funkcioniraju:

  • Zašto i kako će unuk platiti za nekažnjeni zločin svoga djeda o kojem ništa niti ne zna?
  • Zašto će dijete biti psihotično ukoliko mu se taji tko mu je otac?
  • Zašto ćemo biti depresivni ako je sestra blizanka naše majke umrla pri rođenju, a mi o tome nismo niti znali?
  • Zašto ćemo mi živjeti sa osjećajem odbačenosti i ne pripadanja ako je prvo dijete naših roditelja dano na usvojenje?

 

A onda, ako malo više naučimo o ovim zakonitostima možda ćemo otkriti i zašto smo izabrali određenog partnera, profesiju, određeni životni put. Često su sve ove odluke uzrokovane ovim zakonitostima kojih nismo uopće svjesni. Naši životi i sve ono što nam se desi često nam se čine vrlo kaotični, međutim se odvijaju po prilično pravilnim obrascima, samo što ih mi nismo svjesni.

Zašto netko postaje alkoholičar, zašto se netko razboli, zašto netko prokocka sve što ima, zašto je netko uspješan a nekome ništa ne ide od ruke?

Bert Hellinger začetnik ove metode, otkrio je ove pravilnosti po kojima se naši životi odvijaju, odnosno zakonitosti koje u niima vladaju. Nazvao ih je Zakonitostima ili Pravilima ljubavi.

Ljubav, također je otkrio, nije osjećaj ili nešto što nam se u životu desi ili ne. Ljubav slijedi određene zakonitosti i postoje određeni uvjeti koji joj pogoduju i koje joj moramo osigurati da bi je imali u svom životu, a također postoje i okolnosti koje joj ne pogoduju i koje moramo izbjegavati ako želimo da ljubav cvate u našim odnosima.

Naravno, ovo se ne odnosi na romantičnu ljubav, niti samo na partnersku ljubav, već i na ljubav između roditelja i djece, ljubav prema zanimanju, uspjehu, zdravlju, ljubav prema životu u najširem značenju.

Kod mnogih od nas ova ljubav prema životu kakav imamo i kakav nam je dan, kakav je došao do nas kroz naše roditelje, našu obitelj, sa svim okolnostima pod kojim je do nas došao, na određeni način, kroz određenu obitelj, u određenoj zemlji –  ne postoji. Ili je vrlo ograničena. A bez toga nema uspjeha, zdravlja, sreće.

Veliki dio konstelacijskog rada odnosi se na prihvaćanje života onakvog kakav nam je dan i kakav je došao do nas upravo na način na koji je došao do nas i upravo kroz roditelje kroz koje je došao do nas. Mnogi od nas nisu napravili taj prvi početni korak dolaska u život. Nekad život i prođe , a da zapravo nismo u njega zakoračili. Mnogi od nas trebaju pomoć za taj prvi korak, tu prvu kretnju prema ljubavi, zdravlju i uspjehu.

I to može biti izazov koji leži u pozadini mnogih od naših životnih teškoća bez obzira na našu dob, spol, profesiju, nivo obrazovanja. Ovo je univerzalni izazov življenja i isto tako univerzalna kretnja prema životu koju svi trebamo napraviti.

U tom smislu konstelacijski rad nije rezerviran samo za psihički bolesne, pa čak ni samo za one sa životnim teškoćama. Konstelacije nas uče o pristupu životu koji je potreban za životni uspjeh, uče nas o životnom stavu koji dovodi do zdravlja. Također, kroz njih možemo naučiti puno o Zakonitostima koje vladaju u našim odnosima da bi bolje razumjeli sebe i ono što nam se događa u životu. Kao i da bi mogli poduzeti ono što je potrebno za sreću, našu i naših bližnjih, a prije svega za sreću naše djece.

Moguće je dakle educirati se o životnim pravilima, ili ako hoćete, o pravilima ljubavi, kako bi sprječili ponavljanje negativnih životnih sklopova i prije svega kako bi sprječili da ih prenesemo na našu djecu.

 

  • Što nas sistemske konstelacije mogu naučiti o bolesti?

Nesvjesni procesi, koji se odvijaju po određenoj pravilnosti, stoje iza mnogih bolesti kao što su anoreksija, bulimia, astma, dijabetes, Kronova bolest, rak, depresija, multipla skleroza, bolesti ovisnosti, kožne i autoimune bolesti, kao i mnogih drugih. Kada god na konstelacijski način pogledamo u određeni zdravstveni problem – sistemska obiteljska upletenost izlazi na vidjelo kao pozadina koja je pogodovala, ako ne i uzrokovala razvoj bolesti.

Najčešće, mogli bi reći skoro univerzalne dinamike koje se rasvijetle metodom konstelacija u radu sa bolesnima su one koje izražavaju nesvjesnu želju djeteta da pripada svojoj porodici, makar i na taj način što će dijeliti njenu tešku sudbinu i teret.

Kroz bolest dijete ( i dijete u odraslome) često potvrđuje svoju pripadnost svojoj obitelji. Bolest je također često pokušaj da nešto popravimo, ispravimo ili poravnamo za našu obitelj. Ili predstavlja pokušaj da preuzmemo teret od nekog drugog člana naše obitelji.

Ovo nam može zvučati čudno i netočno. Pa tko bi želio biti bolestan i zar često ne činimo sve kako bi se oslobodili bolesti!? Na površini da, ali na drugoj, nesvjesnoj razini, ljudi su u dubokom dosluhu i suglasju sa svojom bolešću. Obiteljske konstelacije omogućavaju nam da odemo upravo na tu razinu gdje se, skriveni od našeg pogleda i svjesnog razumijevanja otkrivaju neki drugi procesi.

Poput sada već zastarjelog procesa razvijanja fotografija, kada postavimo konstelaciju, ove do tada skrivene dinamike koje stoje iza bolesti (i drugih životnih situacija za koje često nemamo racionalno objašnjenje) počinju se polako pomaljati na našem “konstelacijskom papiru”. Sve dok ne postanu kristalno jasne, vidljive našem oku i razumljive našem razumu. I kao takve – otvorene za promjenu.

Saznanja do kojih se došlo ovom metodom o zakonitostima koje vladaju na toj razini pokazala su njihovu relevantnost za kvalitetan i zdrav život, za našu opću dobrobit i za skladne odnose.

Kada ih malo bolje upoznamo, onda možemo vidjeti da je i bolest, na primjer, izraz ljubavi. Razboliti se, naime, možemo “za mamu” ili “umjesto nje”. Kroz našu bolest možemo izraziti poriv da slijedimo u smrt osobu koju volimo, a koju smo izgubili. Našom bolešću također možemo podsjećati druge članove svoje obitelji na nekog zaboravljenog ili nepravedno isključenog člana našeg obiteljskog sistema. Kao na primjer na mrtvorođenu stariju sestru ili dijete dano na posvojenje koje se ne spominje.

Takva je dubina te instinktivne ljubavi u našim primarnim sistemima da ona bolest, pa i smrt, ne vidi uopće kao nešto zastrašujuće, već kao cijenu koja se voljno (iako nesvjesno) plaća za očuvanje cjelovitosti tih sistema, kao i naše povezanosti i našeg pripadanja njima.

Konstelacijska metoda omogućava nam razumijevanje ovih, ponekad pogubnih procesa, kao i njihovu promjenu. Snagu ove arhaične, instinktivne, slijepe ljubavi moguće je iskoristiti tako što ćemo je preusmjeriti na izražavanje kroz zdravlje i uspjeh, umjesto kroz bolest i teškoće. Ali ovu snagu i njeno djelovanje treba prvo upoznati, razumijeti i priznati. Tek tada se otvaraju mogućnosti za promjenu.

Protiv bolesti se ne treba boriti, bolest treba razumjeti.

Fraze koje često upotrebljavamo u vezi sa bolešću otkrivaju naše ratoborne stavove koji se žele “boriti sa bolešću”, “pobijediti bolest” ili se “riješiti bolesti”. Tu i leži uzrok činjenice da tako često “gubimo bitku” sa bolešću. Ukoliko ne razumijemo ovu duboku primarnu ljubav koja stoji iza bolesti, samo ćemo i dalje hraniti dinamiku koja omogućuje samu pojavu bolesti i njen razvoj. Kroz bolest nećemo ništa naučiti, niti joj dati šansu da se povuče.

Bolesti, kao i svakom drugom poremećaju životne energije u konstelacijskom radu, pristupa se kao prema poruci koju treba vidjeti i čuti, i razumijeti. U konstelaciji se ne “rješavamo” ničega, već uočavamo i uključujemo. Sve one i sve ono što treba biti uključeno, viđeno, priznato, poravnato. Kada je to učinjeno, bolest gubi razloge svog postojanja i onda se može povući. Onda liječenje i konvencionalnom medicinom ili drugim metodama koje je do tada bilo neučinkovito, odjednom počne djelovati. U fizičkoj postavci konstelacije to je često vidljivo kroz spontano povlačenje predstavnika za bolest iz konstelacije.

Iako bi bilo previše pojednostavljeno određene obiteljske dinamike vezati za pojavu određenih bolesti, kroz mnoge konstelacijske procese došle su na vidjelo određene pravilnosti u tom smislu.

Na primjer, pojavu anoreksije često vidimo u obiteljima u kojima je otac upleten u nešto iz svoje prošlosti. Teret koji nosi, a to može biti rano izgubljeni brat ili sestra, ratna trauma ili rano odvajanje od roditelja na primjer, čini ga ne samo emocionalno nedostupnim, već kod njega izaziva poriv za smrću. (Poriv za smrću u konstealcijama često vidimo kod onih koji su izgubili blisku osobu i nesvjesno se nadaju da mogu biti ponovo sa tom osobom ukoliko i sami umru, da ih mogu slijediti u smrt.) Na potpuno nesvjesnom nivou, naravno, dijete ove osobe, obično kćer, će u svojoj duši reći: “Bolje da odem ja dragi tata nego ti” ili “Ja ću otići umjesto tebe tako da ti možeš ostati”. U njenoj dječjoj duši, iz duboke ljubavi, javlja se poriv da spasi oca. A porivi naše duše mogu biti vrlo “nerazumni”, služeći nekim arhaičnim, instinktivnim funkcijama koje nemaju puno veze sa racionalnim razmišljanjem. Tako će anoreksična kći sebe izglađivati, ponekad i do smrti, jer u svojoj duši vjeruje da tako može spasiti oca. Ovo je dinamika koja često stoji iza anoreksije i mnogi tretmani su neuspješni jer ne dopiru do nivoa na kojem se ovaj poremećaj može razumjeti kao izraz duboke ljubavi prema nekom bliskom.

U konstelacijskom postupku moguće je, međutim, relativno jednostavno “reprogramirati dušu” kada je jednom ova dinamika izašla na vidjelo. Kada jednom dijete i svjesno razumije šta ga motivira i, prije svega, kada uvidi da njegovi postupci ne rješavaju ništa, kao i da otac ne želi takvu žrtvu od djeteta, onda se u duši inicira proces izražavanja ljubavi na drugačiji, zdraviji način. Ovaj proces je u konstelaciji potpomognut rečenicama kao na primjer “Dragi tata, tvoj teret ostavljam tebi” i “Ja ostajem i ako ti odeš”.

  • Što se zapravo dešava u konstelacijskom radu? Kako ljudi poprime osjećaje nepoznatih osoba koje predstavljaju?

Konstelacije se najčešće rade u grupi gdje osoba koja radi na vlastitom pitanju, uz dogovor sa voditeljem, bira sudionike grupe da predstavljaju određene aspekte njenog pitanja ili, najčešće, osobe iz njene obitelji.

Znači imate grupu ljudi koji se uglavnom ne poznaju i koji znaju vrlo malo ili ništa o obiteljima jedni drugih. Tako da u konstelaciji imate osobe koje su postavljene u uloge ljudi koje ne poznaju i o kojima ništa ne znaju.

Ako je ovo napravljeno na ispravan način, sa određenom pribranošću, onda ljudi u konstelaciji počinju poprimati tjelesne senzacije, osjećaje, karakteristike onih koje predstavljaju. Isto tako, dinamika određenog obiteljskog sistema i odnosi u njemu vrlo brzo „ožive“ da tako kažemo, postanu jasni. To je taj tako zvani fenomen percepcije predstavnika u konstelacijama, gdje su kroz predstavnike dostupne informacije iz enrgetskog polja obitelji, o osobama koje su udaljene prostorno i vremenski, čak i po nekoliko generacija. I to je potvrđeno nebrojeno mnogo puta i to je fenomen koji se ponavlja u svakoj novoj konstelaciji. Svi oni koji su iskusili konstelacijski pristup uvjerili su se u postojanje ovog fenomena dobijanja informacija iz ovog polja i to na jedan relativno jednostavan i brz način.

Iako nam to može zvučati čudno jer se radi o fenomenu koji ne možemo u potpunosti objasniti kroz postojeću znanstvenu paradigmu, očigledno je da postoji određeno energetsko polje u kojem su pohranjeni zapisi o događajima, situacijama, odnosima i osoba iz naših obiteljskih sistema, i to kroz mnoge generacije. U konstelacijskim krugovima se za ovo energetsko skladište informacije koristi pojam Polje koje zna ili Znajuće polje, ili na engleskom The Knowing Field.

Iako je ovaj fenomen još nemoguće racionalno i znanstveno objasniti, moguće je sa njim raditi i koristiti ga na način koji nam pomaže da se nosimo sa svakodnevnim životnim teškoćama u našim odnosima, na profesionalnom planu ili sa zdravstvenim problemima.

Metoda sistemskih konstelacija se zato naziva i fenomenološkom metodom i dijeli neke aspekte i poveznice sa fenomenološkim pravcem u filozofiji i psihologiji, prije svega aspekat otvaranja prema fenomenima onakvim kakvi se oni prikazuju, bez interpretacije ili analize i da je taj put spoznaje – put spoznaje kroz neposredan doživljaj – primaran. Znači, u ovom pristupu se više oslanjamo na cjelinu nego na dijelove, na doživljaj radije nego na teoriju, na intuiciju radije nego na racionalno raščlanjivanje događaja i situacija.

Konstelacijska metoda se također oslanja na znanja o ponašanju sistema iz teorije sistema, kao i na teoriju morfogenetskih polja čije je postojanje uočio i definirao engleski biolog Rupert Sheldrake.

Prema toj teoriji cijeli je Univerzum – od najsitnijih čestica , preko tijela i obiteljskih sistema, pa sve do planeta – organiziran u polja, polja koja imaju mogućnost pamćenja, razmjene informacija, razvoja i rasta.

 

  • Koja se pitanja / problemi mogu razrješavati kroz ovu metodu?

 

  • Narušeni partnerski i obiteljski odnosi
  • Depresija, pomanjkanje životne energije, neuspjeh, opće životno nezadovoljstvo
  • Zdravstveni problemi: poremećaji fizičkog i psihičkog zdravlja
  • Poremećaji prehrane, bolesti ovisnosti
  • Neobjašnjivi osjećaji tuge, ljutnje, krivnje kojima ne znamo porijeklo a koji su dugotrajni i otporni na intervencije
  • Profesionalne dileme i konflikti
  • Osjećaj nepripadanja i teškoće sa pronalaženjem našeg mjesta u svijetu
  • Nalaženje svrhe i životnog smisla

 

  • Kojim postupcima / procedurama u konstelacijskom pristupu je moguće rješiti neke od ovih teškoća?

 

  • Vraćanje tereta koji nosimo za nekog drugog u obiteljskom sistemu tamo gdje pripada
  • Završavanje nedovršenih poslova, odnosno davanje onoga što moramo dati: najčešće se radi o zahvalnosti i izražavanju poštovanja, ili o priznavanju povezanosti ili o davanju mjesta nekome koga smo isključili iz srca (a to može biti stariji brat koji je umro pri rođenju, ili sestra blizanka naše majke koja je umrla rano, ili pali suborac našeg oca, ili netko tko nam je spasio život, pobačeno dijete, bivši partner i slično)
  • Uzimanje i prihvaćanje života onakav kakav nam je dan i kako je došao do nas, a to prije svega znači prihvaćanje naših roditelja upravo onakvih kakvi jesu
  • Povezivanje sa našim korijenima, obiteljskim, plemenskim, nacionalnim. Poštivanje i očuvanje veze između nas i naših predaka dovodi do veće snage u nama da se nosimo sa svakodnevnim životnim zadacima.
  • Možete li nam dati neki primjer sistemske upletenosti koja nije dobra za nas?

 

Ukoliko je našoj majci majka umrla rano, mi kao dijete osjetiti ćemo njenu čežnju za njenom majkom i nesvjesno ćemo preuzeti ulogu roditelja našoj majci. Ili našem ocu također, ako postoji slična situacija.

Djeca su potpuno predana svojim roditeljima. Svi mi počinjemo život u simbiotskoj povezanosti prvenstveno sa svojom majkom, a onda i sa ocem i od njih preuzimamo SVE. Tako sa majčinim mlijekom također upijamo sve što čini našu majku i sve što čini našu obitelj, sa svim emocijama, ali isto tako sa svim događajima iz obiteljske prošlosti, sa svime što pripada u zajedničku sudbinu obitelji: sa neplaćenim dugovima, sa počinjenim ili doživljenim nepravdama, sa neožaljenim gubicima, sa svim neispunjenim čežnjama.

Djeca tada nesvjesno na sebe preuzimaju uloge roditelja svojim roditeljima, pa se tijek i poredak ljubavi izvrću naopačke, ili djeca pokušavaju preuzeti terete svojih roditelja.

Svako dijete ima fantaziju da može spasiti svog roditelja, da mu treba i može pomoći tako što će na sebe preuzeti roditeljevu tugu, ljutnju, patnju ili bolest.

I ovo ne prestaje odrastanjem. I kao odrasla djeca naših roditelja imamo ovakve i slične nesvjesne fantazije u odnosu na naše roditelje.

Velika većina nas nije slobodna živjeti svoj život, već smo upleteni u nešto što nosimo iz svoje primarne obitelji. Velika većina nas pati tuđu patnju, tuguje tuđu tugu, pokušava poravnati tuđe dugove, kompenzira vlastititim životom nešto iz svoje obitelji ili živi život nekog drugog isključenog člana obitelji, kao na primjer očeve ili majčine prve ljubavi sa kojima je veza bila prekinuta na loš način. Naime većina nas živi život na način koji evocira prisutnost onoga tko je isključen ili onoga što je isključeno.

Naši životi vođeni su ovim nesvjesnim dinamikama koje se odvijaju po određenim arhaičnim zakonitostima koje djeluju u našim odnosima kroz vjekove i na vrlo instinktivan, iskonski, primalan način i kojih, naravno, nismo svjesni.

Upravo osvješćivanje ovih zakonitosti i osvjetljavanjem naših skrivenih upletenosti – moguće je osloboditi se negativnih posljedica koje njihovo djelovanje ima na naše živote.

Uključivanje svega što je bilo isključeno, davanje mjesta svima koji su bili nepravedno odbačeni, možda prezreni, sjećanje sviju koji su bili zaboravljeni, otvaranje srca prema svima prema kojima smo ga zatvorili – to su neki od postupaka koje koristimo u konstelacijskom radu da bi došlo do ponovnog uspostavljanja prirodnog stanja harmonije i ravnoteže.

Jedan od važnih postupaka, odnosno procedura ili koraka u konstelacijskom radu je također ostavljanje tereta, duga, krivnje tamo gdje pripada. Ovo se naročito odnosi na djecu i roditelje.

Djeca, i odrasla djeca, se oslobode za življenje vlastitog punog života kada mogu svojim roditeljima reći:

„Vidim vaš teret, tugu, bol, razočaranje. S povjerenjem da vi to možete nositi sami , i sa poštovanjem – vaš teret ostavljam vama. Neću se mješati u to. Ja sam samo vaše dijete. Vi ste veliki, a ja sam mali ili mala. Od vas uzimam život onakav kakav mi je dan, sa svim okmolnostima pod kojim je došao do mene i živjeti ću ga najbolje što mogu – u zdravlju, sreći i blagostanju – i tako poštivati i cijeniti vaš teret i život koji ste mi dali kao dar, koji ste mi dali po cijeni koju ste platili vi i po cijeni koju koju sam platila ja. I ako mi bude dozvoljeno, ovaj dar života proslijediti ću dalje.“

Kada jednom dođemo do stajališta gdje možemo autentično i s dubokim uvjerenjem izreći ove rečenice, makar i u sebi, naravno, nije važno da ih zaista kažemo roditeljima, važno je da ih sa iskrenošću i uvjerenjem možemo reći u sebi – onda smo slobodni i onda više nema sistemskih prepreka našem životnom uspjehu- bez obzira na naše životne okolnosti i bez obzira na to kakvi su naši roditelji i šta su za nas napravili ili šta nisu napravili, i bez obzira pod kakvim je nekad teškim uvjetima naš život došao do nas.

Dobre vijesti, za kraj, su da se za slobodan i sretan život ne mora nitko iz vaše obitelji promjeniti i nema tih životnih okolnosti u kojima sretan i ispunjen život nije moguć.

 

                                               Alemka Dauskardt

The Sacred Cows of Ethics

 

by Alemka Dauskardt

Published in the issue 31 of the Systemic Constellations Journal “The Knowing Field”

(as a response to the article “Ethics” by Steve Vinay Gunther, issue 30 TKF)

 

I am thankful to Steve Vinay for making an effort to explore, examine and summarise ‘the ethics issue’ of Constellation Work, considering eloquently so many related aspects.

Not an easy job. Many interconnected issues come under this one umbrella and, on the whole, the constellation community has been struggling for some time with which stance to take. The subject has largely been ignored, but it lurks behind many discussions on many a forum. We certainly haven’t come to any formal general agreement and often don’t have a shared understanding of what we are really talking about under this heading.

Along with many other facilitators, I have often pondered this question and have been challenged to find my own place on this slippery ground. I have been genuinely interested in the implications for us as facilitators, individually and collectively, of taking this or that position. I was part of the ISCA working group on ethics years ago at the annual Intensive in Bernried, Germany. Also, at last year’s ISCA’s gathering, one of the working groups was devoted to these issues on my initiative. Reading Steve’s article allowed me to re-visit and clarify my own position. I have been coming to this place for many years and now I can say my personal belief is that there is no place for ethics in Constellation Work! At least not in the framework we currently use for this term.

In this very personal response to his article (but not necessarily to his contentions only), I do not want to engage in further discussion about any particular aspect of ethics, but will use this opportunity to briefly explain what brought me to adopt the above position on this theme.

Ethics or moralistic thinking is a branch of philosophy that involves systematising, defending, and recommending concepts of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ conduct. It is an expression of the belief that there is a universal conscience, which helps us to distinguish ‘right’ from ‘wrong’ – one of the central beliefs our Western civilisation rests upon. The most prominent promoter of this belief is the Church with its teachings about conscience as ‘the voice of God’. This belief is also behind wars, judgement, calls for punishment and/ or annihilation of the ‘bad/wrong’ ones. ‘Professional ethics’ is this attitude and this morality applied to a particular field, in which there is always a group of people defining what is ‘good’ and ‘bad’ practice and sanctioning accordingly.

As expressed by Bert Hellinger himself, his most important insight underpinning SCW, is that there is no ‘good’ or ‘bad’. This is connected to the insights on conscience, the workings of which, also according to him, are not understood by most constellators and form the backdrop of most of the opposition to Hellinger, in the mainstream as well as among therapists. In my opinion, it is also the main reason why SCW is not more widely accepted.

Our insistence that we know what is right or wrong (either generally or in relation to a particular practice or profession) is bound to fail. We only need ethics in the moral world, and thankfully, the world of constellations is anything but that!

This has nothing to do with relativism and unaccountability. It relates to the systemic and spiritual nature of our world, with our ability to turn to everyone with equal love, in facilitation and in life, with full awareness that our conscience is a poor guide and, much against the advice of Pinocchio’s Jiminy Cricket, should not be followed.

Much of what is written about the issue of ethics among constellators, clearly follows the conscience of the professional field of Psychotherapy. It is understandable, considering the historical development of CW, but this is history. So is Psychotherapy, as we know it.

Constellations are a method of insight and development for the new world, not only post-modern but also postmaterialistic, which bears little resemblance to the old. Psychotherapy is part of that old world; it belongs to that old paradigm of our absolute trust in science and knowledge, which can be reached by scientific methods only, and is governed by that conscience.

However, the major paradigm shift has already occurred, and is expressed through much new theory and research on consciousness (see references below). It is shaking some fundamental beliefs we have about our world, especially in the areas of physics, biology, genetics and psychology. We also know it each time we enter a constellation space.

Despite being a Psychologist by education and working as a Psychotherapist for many years, I do not call myself that any more. Through my own practice I have come to full agreement with Hellinger’s position that Constellations are NOT Psychotherapy.

Many facilitators want to embrace ‘the new’ through their practice of constellations, while at the same time ensuring that their ‘psychological practices’ remain accountable, as cited in Steve’s article. Accountable to whom? To the old master, the scientific discipline of psychology and the ensuing practice of psychotherapy.

Opposition to Hellinger and his constellation work often comes from psychotherapists who think this way. Wanting to embrace the new, not wanting to give up the old. This is equivalent to trying to row to the middle of a lake, while making sure you are still fully attached to the shore.

But there is only so far we can stretch the rope before it breaks; only so much change we can introduce to the old before admitting that there is something new now and different rules apply. There is great resistance. There is an inbuilt desire for survival in every system – systems want to keep existing. Those who challenge their boundaries by introducing too much change, are punished and/or excluded. Many psychotherapists in Germany and elsewhere defended their established professional system through vicious attacks on Bert Hellinger and SCW, thereby managing to keep any threat towards mainstream psychotherapy at bay. The ‘ethical considerations’ were always cited as the legitimate concerns justifying these attacks.

Hellinger’s Constellation Work challenges not only psychotherapy, but also many of the established and cherished notions that our materialistic, dualistic and, above all, moral world rests upon. This is bound to be defended mightily. Constellators join in with this defence. The calls for ethical standards are the calls for SCW to abide by the rules of the psychotherapy profession, attempting to put it back into the familiar box of our materialistic, scientific and moralistic world.

There is also a very practical issue at play here, as the livelihood of many constellators depends on their agreement to abide by the rules and regulations proscribed by their respective professions. Therefore, much is at stake.

Systemic knowledge tells us that the only option for the carrier of the new (if he/she manages to stay alive) is to form an essentially new system. I also contend that if we want Constellations to survive as a distinct new modality, we have to jump into that boat and cut our ties to the shore. Otherwise, it will be stripped of its uniqueness. It will lose that special quality we all feel so attracted to, and which makes it so effective, and will become diluted until it can be safely absorbed into the widely accepted, more established disciplines. We are already witnessing this happening within the Field of SCW.

And finally, just one more point I want to pick up on from the article: its call towards “having more debates, challenging assumptions and questioning sacred cows.” (p 40, Steve Vinay’s article, issue 30, june 2017)

I would agree and suggest that one of the first cows whose eyes we need to look at should be the belief that we have the freedom and the right to question everything under the sun and to ‘critically examine’ everything. This practice has high value among constellators, I noticed, and is not easily challenged.

Another cow, which looks more like a dog(ma), is our right to express our opinion of what we think is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, and indeed to insist on these distinctions. Among constellators, the value of “speaking up” or “standing against the bad, backward, oppressive, abusive, right wing, patriarchal… whatever” is considered desirable and called for. Political correctness is finding its way into the Constellating world too and is interfering with systemic insights.

If there is any need for ethics in the world of constellations, it would have to be a very different, new ‘constellation ethics’, following a different conscience. Such ethics would perhaps dictate that we deeply respect our teachers, that we follow systemic authority and orders or for example, that we do not gossip or ‘critically dissect’ the work of other constellators, certainly not on public forums. And this not because someone prohibits it, but because we receive such guidance upon asking ourselves the question: “What effect does this have on my soul?”

I also want to propose that the belief in the “importance of ethical standards” is just another cow. It is all part of a certain conscience, but we don’t see it like this, because we are right in the middle of it.

I just had this colourful image of many poor cows being sucked away by a cyclone in an upward centrifugal motion. But, not to worry – sacred cows are safe in the eye of the storm!

 


Notes:

  1. Monthly letters 2011 February http://www.hellinger.com
  2. International Systemic Constellation Association. Established in 2007 at the Congress in Koln in Germany, ISCA sees as its mission to ‘serve as a hub and holder of system constellation work in all its settings and applications for present and future generations of constellation’s. With a recent change of direction in 2015, reflected by changes in its Charter, it has broadened its focus to include more general issues affecting constellation practitioners around the world. (see http://www.isca-network.org)
  3. ISCA Working Group on Ethics, ISCA Meeting, Bernried, Germany, 2010
  4. Working Groups, ISCA Gathering, Zagreb, Croatia, 2016
  5. Dauskardt, Alemka. Psychotherapy without Psychotherapists: How do Constellations help? Presentation at the International Conference ‘Ethics & Psychotherapy’, Croatia 2015.

REFERENCES:

Bert Hellinger, Monthly Letters, 2011, February,  http://www.hellinger.com

Dauskardt, Alemka Psychotherapy without Psychotherapists: How do Constellations help? Presentation at the International Conference on ‘Ethics & Psychotherapy’, Croatia 2015

Hillman, James & Ventura, Michael (1993): We’ve had a Hundred Years of Psychotherapy and the World’s Getting Worse. Harper Collins,

Mark Hubble, Scott Miller: How Psychotherapy Lost Its Magic. Psychotherapy Networker, March/April 2017 issue.

Bobby Azarian: Neuroscience’s New Consciousness Theory Is Spiritual. The Huffington Post, 21.9.2015, http://www.huffingtonpost. com/bobby-azarian/post_10079_b_8160914.html

EXTENDED REFERENCES:

Siegel, Daniel (2017) New Psychotherapy & Belonging. 6.14.2017 Psychotherapy Networker.

Dauskardt, Alemka. Psychotherapy without Psychotherapists: How do Constellations help? Presentation at the International Conference ‘Ethics & Psychotherapy’, Croatia 2015.

Hellinger, Bert (2008) Rising in Love – A Philosophy of Being. Hellinger Publications, Germany.

Laszlo, Ervin (2004) Science and the Akashic Field. Inner Traditions, Rochester, Vermont, USA.

Lipton, Bruce (2008) Biology of Belief – Unleashing the Power of Consciousness, Matter and Miracles. Hay House Publishing.

Sheldrake,Rupert (2004) The Sense of Being Stared at and Other Aspects of the Extended Mind. Arrow books, London, UK.

Sheldrake, Rupert. The Science Delusion. http://www.sheldrake.org

Sheldrake, Rupert (2012) Science Set Free.  Deepak Chopra Books.

Miller, Scott (2017) How Psychotherapy Lost Its Magic’,  March/April issue, Psychotherapy Networker.

 

Den Epilogue to Den Haag

 

There is no doubt that we Croatians, and some other actors, are in the midst of a drama with epic proportions. The title could be something like ‘War and Piece in the Balkans’ or ‘The Suicide of Justice’, or ‘Killing off the Hero Within’. Whatever the case, it is clear that the themes are big, universal and archetypal. And that there are lessons to be learned.

The general of the Croatian army who fought in Croatia and Bosnia during the last war, has been found guilty of war crimes and sentenced, after surrendering himself to the War Crimes Tribunal in The Hague, having already spent 13 years incarcerated. This sentence concludes the work of this court for war crimes committed in the Balkans, after many years of trials, witnesses, reports, deliberations, publicity, anguish and destinies appearing before us, as if appearing on a big stage of history.

The ultimate director of this play has staged the final sitting of this court, which presided over delivering sentences and ‘dishing out justice’ to many Croats, Bosnians and Serbs involved in the conflict. This took place on 29 November – the biggest state holiday and ‘The Day of the Republic’, in the state of Yugoslavia, now itself just a corpse, upon whose death the whole conflict erupted in the first place. Is this play a farce, a satire, a comedy perhaps?

Upon hearing the verdict, one of the accused generals, who, before becoming a general had a career as a film director and worked in theatre, yells out: “I am not a criminal” and drinks a poison from the small bottle concealed in his hand in front of the judges, those present in court and the TV audience of many, as the trial was screened live. The judges are stunned and not knowing what to do,  just usher for: “the curtain, the curtain.” Blackness ensues. THE END.

The man dies later in hospital. The stunned Croatian audience/nation does not know if they should clap or not. For whom and for what? Booing also doesn’t seem appropriate. Just an odd whistle with unclear meaning, breaks the silence here and there. As the public reaction of the Croatian Government, public commentators and social media show, no one is sure what kind of epilogue to write, what is appropriate in this scenario they have never witnessed before. Some yell: “Hero!”, others: “Coward!”; some proclaim: “Justice is dead” and call for a different judgement. The War continues.

Wars can’t be over through seeking justice in court, or by looking for objective truth. Nor by attributing blame or establishing guilt. Wars can’t be over as long as we continue to look for the culprit, the person or persons responsible, the guilty one(s). Wars can’t be over for as long as one side considers itself better than the other. Wars can’t be over if we need heroes.

The legal process of establishing personal responsibility for those few who were the executors on behalf of their leaders and their nation does not contribute much to the process of true reconciliation. Our reaction to justice as determined by courts is always dependent on our national belonging. We all seek: “Ultimate justice” and call for :“The objective truth.” When are we going to learn that this is an illusory quest?! When are we going to realise that there is no one Right or one Wrong? When are we going to understand that there is no one god?

How many more wars does it take and how many more perpetrators do we need, whose actions we deem abhorrent, standing in court and declaring: “I am not guilty” for us to understand?

No man feels guilty for killing those outside the boundaries of their own tribe. No Croat, no Serb, no Muslim, no German, no Israeli. We kill those who follow a different god with good conscience, and with the blessing of our god. And we feel like heroes and are considered to be so by our tribe. The same man is seen as a hero or as a war criminal, depending on the colours of the seer.

The solution is to turn away from these lesser gods and turn to God who lets the rain fall and the sun shine on the just and unjust, innocent and guilty equally. We have to follow the God who is kindly turned to everyone, victims as well as perpetrators, right as well as left, red as well as green.

We have to see that our brother Serbs or our brother Muslims were killing with the same zealousness as we Croats, with the same conviction that they were fighting for a just cause as we had. We have to see that they do not and cannot feel guilty about it, as much as we can’t about our own killing. All sides in all wars fight for: ‘The good cause’. Yes, with tragic consequences and always with the same tragic blindness. And what is it that blinds us? Our conscience. Because every tribe has a different conscience, and every tribe believes that theirs is the universal one. And that theirs is the right and just one!

We are all guilty and we are all innocent. We are all victims and we are all perpetrators. True reconciliation happens when we look at the trail of blood our convictions have left behind. When we look at the victims, the dead on all sides, with the same piety and respect, with the same pain in our heart. When all the victors come to their knees and sob at the destiny of those defeated. When we, the descendants, look at all the dead and grieve for all of them, without seeing the marks on their uniforms, without knowing which army they belonged to. Yes, ultimately it is about feeling the same love for all.

The Croatian curse is not only that they had the enemies outside of their tribe, and that they continue to harbour these conflicts, but the fact that WWII had the nation split in half: half of the nation followed one ideology while the other half followed the other. This split continues to work in us, like in bad horror movies or in psychiatric wards in which one part fights the other, in which we harbour our worst enemy, the perpetrator within ourselves. Croatians are a schizophrenic nation. It makes it difficult, if not impossible to deal with the outcomes of later wars, to face the future, or, as the pathetic Croatian political scene shows, deal with any practical issues in the present.

But, ultimately and in every situation, under any circumstances, we have to understand that the Partisans were no better that the Ustashas. Or that the Ustashas were not bigger Croatian nation lovers than the Partisans. Or that those fighting for a united Slavs communist state of Yugoslavia were no better than those wanting an independent state of Croatia. Or the other way around. These are just different ideas, with ideologies built around them, and each one of them has their followers, as well as those opposing them. No ideology, no idea is worth fighting for, because inevitably, a trail of blood follows. No idea, no cause is worth fighting for, because no one idea is better than another.

Fighting for peace brings war. Let them be side by side. War and Peace. Give them both their place. Bow and say: “I do not understand what purpose you have, which master you serve. I leave it all in higher hands. And I do not interfere. I do not try to take God’s place and I do not act on his behalf.”

We don’t need to yell out loud our love for our country, we can just tend our garden quietly. We can serve our country by not spilling blood in her name – ours and that of others. We can be hospitable hosts and good neighbours, welcoming the guests from other tribes, preparing our national dishes for them. We can be a country which doesn’t need heroes, where men stay at home and plough the field and make love to their wives. We can be a country where fathers don’t leave their sons in cradles, never to return from war. And we can respect those men who do the same across our borders. We can be the country whose mothers and wives keep their men at home, because it is precisely this that war kills first: a connection between a man and a woman, with far reaching consequences for our world.

War kills love, not just between a man and a man, not just between a Croat and a Serb or a Muslim. War kills love, that warm, intimate love between a man and a woman, right there in their bed.

So, women, love thy man, and keep him at home. And, men, love thy neighbour and respect his love of his country and land. And all of us, let’s love our country by turning to our garden, tending it with care, making it flourish and prosper.

And the dead, those killed in the past wars, do we forget them? No. We look at them with love, at all of them and their killers lying now beside them. And we say: “We are all the same, there is no Other, we are all One.” And we put down the gun we pointed at our enemies, from our need to avenge those killed before, because we suddenly realise that, in pulling the trigger, we kill ourselves.

So, if this writer is allowed to changed the ending of this drama, as writers sometimes are, then the hero in our drama is the one who has this sudden insight and slowly, as if in a dream, gently lays his gun on the ground, turns around and walks slowly off the stage. The curtain comes down, the moment of suspended silence follows. The audience raptures in thunderous applause. The hero hugs his wife and children backstage, decides to leave his acting career and together with them heads home to feed the animals and water their garden.

THE END

 

Alemka Dauskardt

2.12.2017. Zagreb, Croatia